Now I get it (being a non-bio mom is hard)

Earlier this week I was feeling like I had this whole two-kid thing locked up. Sure, I can take care of Lyn, keep the house clean, change poopy diapers, and deal with a toddler. No problem.

Yesterday I had to face up to the fact that it's actually hard. Sure, I can do everything needed to keep our household of four running, especially because I have the hands-on support of friends and family. But yesterday I realized that it's Lyn who does the lion's share of taking care of new baby Ira (yes! he has a name now!). I bring Ira to Lyn for a feeding and change his dirty diapers, but Lyn is the one who feeds him and who knows everything there is to know about his ears because she spends hours a day staring at them while nursing.

It turns out that being a non-biological mother is hard. I think it is especially hard for me right now because I remember being in Lyn's shoes, being the source of nourishment and having the close immediate bond that comes from nursing. I'm afraid I didn't realize at the time what a privileged position that was. I want Ira to need me and right now he doesn't. Yes, he will. Yes, I'm working to establish a bond that will be every bit as vital as Lyn's. But I want him to need me now.

Lyn and I were talking about these feelings this morning, and Lyn pointed out that Leigh needed much more active care-taking when she was a newborn. She demanded constant attention as a little baby (and, um, still does). Lyn had to learn to pacify Leigh very early; otherwise we would have gone crazy from all the crying and/or Leigh would have chewed my nipples right off. Ira (so far) just doesn't need as much, so there's less parenting for me to do.

I'll get over all of this. Ira will need more and more from me. Eventually I'll even get to nurse him. I'll grow more and more comfortable as an NGP. But before he was born I apparently believed that knowing all about the challenges of being a non-bio mom and already being comfortable with the role of mother meant that I would not have to feel any pain at all. Now I feel what I knew before in my head: that being a non-bio mom isn't easy. But it does come with a lot of benefits. I got to be with Lyn, supporting her in one of the most challenging things she'll ever do. I got to feel and hold Ira as he was being born. I even got to nurse him for a few minutes after Lyn was taken to the OR to get repair work done. And I get to fall in love with Lyn all over again because she's given such a precious gift.

Retail therapy

We've been short on deep thoughts here at FTST lately. For this I blame two things 1) My grant deadline on Wednesday and 2) Cleaning for Pesach. Why is it such a surprise every year?

However, there are three things that have made our lives a little better lately:

• We are now proud owners of a dishwasher. It is the portable variety, and Gail did a masterful job of not only finding a great one (Energy Star even!) on Craigslist, but also arranging for delivery, since (a) pre-pregnancy I posessed the bulk of available upper body strength in our relationship and I'm not currently permitted to use it extensively and (b) we don't have a car, and renting a truck to pick things up is a giant pain, especially when we also have to rustle up muscle. After a week, we LOVE the dishwasher. Now we just have to figure out if it can be appropriately cleaned for passover.
  
• After agonizing for months over the decision of what mattress to buy Leigh, in an attempt not to give her horrible diseases with off-gassing, I willy-nilly impulse purchased a presumably horribly toxic memory foam mattress pad for our bed, and couldn't be happier. It is very squishy and my hips are much much happier. It is still stinky of lots of chemicals and I don't care. I'll take the sleep.
• I finally got one of those exercise balls that are cheap if you call them "yoga balls" but expensive if you call them "birth balls." My hips are liking that too. It does make dinner a little interesting (or actually, a little boring for everyone else), since I sit there rocking back and forth and spacing out.
  

And now for a Leigh update. She's really getting this baby thing, and informed me yesterday that the baby needed to come out of my belly button. Now. I took the opportunity to tell her where the baby was really going to come out, and she found that pretty interesting. We'll see what she repeats at daycare. She's also worried that the baby might be cold, and went to get one of her blankets for it, and says that I'd better rest after the baby comes out because I'll be tired. She's still thinking about whether or not the baby will be invited to her birthday.

I need advice

The first trimester + high holidays and sukkot + hitting midterm time = I’m drowning. I feel as though I shouldn’t complain both because I don’t feel sick and dog tired myself and because I don’t want to make Lyn feel bad because she does feel sick and tired. But don’t worry; I’m going to complain anyway. I really am happy to take care of Lyn – after all she’s going through the first trimester for both of us and I’m glad I'm not the one puking. But I now have more chores to do, a messier house, and a spouse who just isn’t much fun. Lyn's symptoms seem to vacillate between total exhaustion with nausea and the kind of crabby weepiness I generally associate with the worst day of PMS.

So we’re trying to lower standards (I thought they were already pretty low, but I think I’m about to discover I was wrong) and to remember that this too shall pass. By which I don’t mean that Lyn is suddenly going to be back to her old self (that won’t probably happen for a while since these symptoms will be replaced with other ones), or that suddenly there will be fewer chores to do (nope, in eight months or so there’s going to be a lot more), but rather than we’ll all adjust to the new normal, and someday we’ll look back on the old normal and say “We didn’t know how good we had it back then!”

So, I’m asking for your advice. I want to be supportive, care for my wife and daughter, and not burn myself out. To those of you who have done it before or are doing it now (especially but not exclusively from those of you who have handled a toddler plus a pregnancy):

1. How do you cut back on the volume of work that needs to happen around the house? Do you have shortcuts, hire help, or just organize things better?
2. How do you handle your own personal stress and fatigue as a non-pregnant parent/spouse/mother?
3. How do you not turn into a jerk that takes care of everything, but uses passive aggression to subtly punish your partner for not being more capable?