Monday, September 8, 2008

OK, so maybe I don't actually still have my sanity

Every cycle that we've tried, and the one where we didn't but were planning to, just prior to ovulation I've turned into an absolute disaster, as a parent, as a wife, and as a worker. I make myself miserable. I make my family miserable. My co-workers seem fine, but I'm pretty good at faking it during the day. Gail and I are currently in "anti-phase" (apologies for the bad math reference) so my ovulation break down is unfortunately correlated with her two PMS days. It is super-fun at our house.

I swear waiting to ovulate (especially if you have a history of not actually pulling it off) is worse than the TWW. But I'll probably take that back once I'm in the TWW. If I get there.

I'm on CD20. It's fairly typical for me to get a positive OPK anywhere between CD18 and CD22. My intricate OPK system involves, at this point, 3 different brands of pee sticks, all with different strengths and weaknesses. I have a finicky ovulation. I don't get an honest to goodness positive on all tests, but the more sensitive tests can give me a false positive (hence the infamous cycle of 4 vials in July).

Right now I have an almost positive on the sensitive test, and nothing whatsoever on the less sensitive test. I haven't even broken out the smiley face brand. At 7$ a pop, that one is strictly for confirmation of a real positive, and I'm not there yet. If I get a positive tomorrow, and the clinic doesn't have that coveted 1st appointment open, I'll either need to take Leigh with me to the appointment or rustle up a sitter last minute (how to keep a 2yo busy during an IUI...?), or Gail will have to ditch work things in the afternoon. I have absolutely no idea how that is going to work.

But all of these logistical details are just beating around the bush really. The logistics suck. They are really stressful. And then I get stressed about being stressed. But what's really going on is that I hate not being in control. While I'm waiting for ovulation, when I have absolutely zero control and am convinced my body is going to fail (I never claimed to be an optimist), all I can see is my other failures. My failures as a parent, my failures as a scientist and my failures at keeping our house afloat (which in reality is usually afloat pretty well). No one can do anything right. Not Gail. Not Leigh. Especially not me.

But I have got to figure out how to be nicer. We have to find a way to make this sustainable. We're in this for the long haul and I can't be a disaster for both ovulation week and the two week wait. That's about 3 weeks out of 4.

Part of the problem is that Gail and I haven't really told so many people that we're working on this, so she is pretty much the only receptacle for my TTC angst, when she already has plenty of her own. I'm not an easy person to "support," though she's trying valiantly and occasionally even manages to say the right thing. On principle, I feel strongly that Gail needs support as much as I do, but I'm certainly not giving it. She wants this baby, too. A couple real life friends know, and Gail can talk to them, but they are close to us both, so she can't exactly complain extensively about how I'm driving her up the wall. And even with just this couple knowing I already can't handle the gentle questions about what is up. Every question feels like a judgment, and I'm impatient enough as it is.

I'm not sure where this leaves me other than "I'll Try To Do Better" which usually just ends up back at square one. Maybe having a place to write will help, or maybe not. If anyone happens through here and has any advice, I'm all ears. We didn't get to this point on the last go-round.

1 comment:

Lo said...

Oh, it is all so hard. I am in some ways not looking forward to my turn to try.

If you don't mind, would you email me at familyo at earthlink dot net? (I couldn't find an email for you.)